Why is it, that a guy can have a 4 inch pecker and think he's a fucking rock star? I'll tell you why, it's two fold. First is because most guys are so homophobic that they never look at other guys dicks, and they think that the guys in porn are just huge freaks (kinda true) so they don't realise 4 inches is fucking disgusting. Second, because females today are to fucking nice.
I love when I meet a cuckold, or am traveling and set up through a different name, and then I don't have to worry about backlash because I have that sweet elixir, anonymity. Then I feel free to tell every 3inch dicked looser where to shove it. In most cases right in his own hand because who else would want to touch that??
So guys, here's the lowdown, normal dick is 5-6 inches anything less is revolting, if you have hair all over your cock it's revolting, if your dick tip barely sticks out from your balls its revolting. If your limp its fucking sick, are you getting it?
7 and over is nice sized, over 10 becomes scary. I once saw a guy with like a 15" cock and thick like a Coke can, and guess what? He hadn't gotten fucked in like 2 years. He was a firefighter so he couldn't be in porn, and literally he was a hot guy, tall, dark, Ab's, leggs , ass everything. But nobody would fuck him, cause a 15' dick is just scary!!!
Most guys I see have tiny dicks, a few are average, maybe 3 a month are big. Why is this? I dunno, big dicked guys are usually ass holes. I got lucky I guess , my guy is hung and still sweet. There's an exception to every rule, but generally that's how it goes, I feel bad for little pecker'd guys, but not bad enough that I don't want to punish them mentally for making me see their shit'
till next time-
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
STRIPPER SHOE HOW 2 FOR MARTHA STEWART
IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE A PORN STAR, OR MASSAGE GIRL WHO HAS TO WEAR STRIPPER SHOES FOR PHOTO SHOOTS ETC. BUT HAVE NEVER STRIPPED, HERE'S SOME HELP FULL TIPS!!
A. IF YOUR SHOES ARE CLEAR PLASTIC AND TO TIGHT OR YOU CAN'T GET YOUR FOOT IN, BLOW DRY YOUR SHOE FOR 3SECONDS AND YOUR FOOT WILL SLIDE RIGHT IN. (DON'T HOLD THE BLOW DRYER ON SHOE FOR OVER 3 SEC OR YOU'LL MELT IT)
B. BUY ANKLE STRAP SHOES FOR PERFORMANCES TO GIVE YOU STABILITY, BUT SLIP ON SHOES IF YOU'LL BE FUCKING , LAP DANCING, OR ANYTHING ELSE WHERE YOU'LL NEED TO POP OFF YOUR SHOE QUICK LIKE.
C. PUT CLEAR NAIL POLISH ON THE TOES OF YOUR THIGH HI'S BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR SHOES ON, THIS STOPS TOE HOLES FROM POPPING UP LATER.
D.TRY TO STAY ON VERY LOW CARPET OR WOOD, TILE ETC.
E.IF YOUR NOT A STRIPPER GET THICKER HEELS NOT STILETTO HEELS
WALKING IN STRIPPER SHOES IS A LEARNED TALENT, NOT A GOD GIVEN GIFT LOL SO PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!!!
A. IF YOUR SHOES ARE CLEAR PLASTIC AND TO TIGHT OR YOU CAN'T GET YOUR FOOT IN, BLOW DRY YOUR SHOE FOR 3SECONDS AND YOUR FOOT WILL SLIDE RIGHT IN. (DON'T HOLD THE BLOW DRYER ON SHOE FOR OVER 3 SEC OR YOU'LL MELT IT)
B. BUY ANKLE STRAP SHOES FOR PERFORMANCES TO GIVE YOU STABILITY, BUT SLIP ON SHOES IF YOU'LL BE FUCKING , LAP DANCING, OR ANYTHING ELSE WHERE YOU'LL NEED TO POP OFF YOUR SHOE QUICK LIKE.
C. PUT CLEAR NAIL POLISH ON THE TOES OF YOUR THIGH HI'S BEFORE YOU PUT YOUR SHOES ON, THIS STOPS TOE HOLES FROM POPPING UP LATER.
D.TRY TO STAY ON VERY LOW CARPET OR WOOD, TILE ETC.
E.IF YOUR NOT A STRIPPER GET THICKER HEELS NOT STILETTO HEELS
WALKING IN STRIPPER SHOES IS A LEARNED TALENT, NOT A GOD GIVEN GIFT LOL SO PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!!!
FUCK REVIEWS
I JUST FINISHED A SESSION WITH A GUY WE'LL CALL "JOEL". JOEL CAME FOR A MASSAGE BUT I COULD TELL HE WAS A SUB SO BEFORE LONG I HAD HIM UPSIDE DOWN WITH HIS KNEES OVER HIS SHOULDERS JACKING HIMSELF OFF AND CUMMING IN HIS OWN MOUTH WHILE I BEAT THE BOTTOMS OF HIS FEET WITH MY RIDING CROP. JOEL IS A GUY WHO LEFT A GOOD IMPRESSION ON ME, HE IS ANCIENT AND HAS WEIRD SPOTS ON HIS SKIN FROM AN OLD INJURY HES HALF BALD AND OVERALL VERY FUNNY LOOKING, BUT I LIKE HIM. I NEVER HATE MY SUBMISSIVE FETISH CLIENTS, ACTUALLY QUITE THE OPPOSITE I FEEL PROTECTIVE OF THEM. YES I MAY BEAT THEM, BUT IF SOMEBODY ELSE SAID EVEN A HARSH WORD TO THEM I'D FREAK OUT.
SO ANYWAY, JOEL IS QUITE HAPPY WITH HIS SESSION, AND TELLS ME TO WRITE A REVIEW AND HE WILL POST IT UNDER HIS NAME BECAUSE HE IS AN ESTABLISHED REVIEWER. I POLITELY DECLINED.
REVIEWS ARE THE BIGGEST CROC OF SHIT IN THE WORLD. MOST GUYS WHO REGULARLY REVIEW ARE LOOSER ASSHOLES. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK IN YOUR HEAD, WHAT KIND OF GUY PAYS FOR SEX?? WELL THE MENTAL IMAGE YOU GET RIGHT AFTER POSING THAT QUESTION IS THE KIND OF GUY THAT REVIEWS. THEY GO SEE SOME GIRL , BE IT ESCORT, MASSAGE, DANCER AND THEN THEY TRY TO DO ONE OF TWO THINGS, GET A DISCOUNT FOR WRITING A GLOWING REVIEW, OR GET EXTRAS, OR THEY USE THE THREAT OF A BAD REVIEW TO TRY TO GET THINGS THE GIRL DOESN'T OFFER.
THE SECOND REASON REVIEWS ARE A CROCK OF SHIT IS BECAUSE MOST GIRLS AND AGENCY'S HAVE "DUMMY BUDDIES". BASICALLY A GUY WHO IS REALLY INVOLVED IN THE REVIEW/HOBBYIST SCENE, THEY PRETEND TO LIKE HIM, AND EVEN TAKE HIM OUT WITH THEM SOMETIMES LET HIM FEEL LIKE HE'S PART OF THEIR CLOSE FRIENDS CIRCLE. IN RETURN HE WRITES REVIEWS FOR THEM, BACKS THEM UP IN DISPUTES ON THE BOARDS, BUYS THEM THINGS ETC ETC. THESE ARE THE GUYS THAT NOBODY LIKED IN SCHOOL, NOW THERE GROWN UP AND STUPID. I'VE SEEN DUMMY BUDDIES WHO WERE SO LOYAL TO A MADAM THEY WERE WILING TO KILL FOR HER, IN THAT CASE THEY WERE VERY DRUG ADDICTED THOUGH SO IT'S PROBABLY AN EXTREME CASE. SHE WAS SUPPLYING THEM WITH DRUGS AND FREE PUSSY, PLUS ADDING THEM TO HER ENTOURAGE AND THEY GOT SUCKED IN TO LIVING IN FANTASY LAND 24/7.
MADAM'S AND AGENCY'S ARE SCARY THINGS. THERE A UNIQUE BREED OF HUMAN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SPARK OF ANY REDEEMING QUALITY. THEY LITERALLY PREY ON THESE GIRLS THAT ARE ALREADY IN TROUBLE, GETTING THEM TO A POINT WHERE THEY ARE COMPLETELY DEPENDANT ON THEM, AND USE THEM UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO USE, THEN THEY CUT THEM LOOSE , WITH NO REGRET. I'LL GET MORE INTO THAT LATER, BUT FOR NOW TAKE MY WORD, IF YOU WANT TO WORK FOR SOMEONE, DON'T DO IT. IF YOU CAN'T GET YOUR OWN IN CALL, DO OUT CALL!!! NO COMPUTER? USE AN INTERNET CAFE, NO CAR? PAY A DRIVER, ONE YOU HIRE YOURSELF, IN THE END IT'S WORTH IT TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS. IF YOUR NOT STRONG IN THIS BUSINESS YOUR FOOD FOR THE STRONG, DON'T BE SOME BODY'S DINNER.
OK, ENOUGH ON THAT. TODAY I LOOKED AT PRICES FOR THE CAMERAS I'LL BE NEEDING FOR MY PORN SITE, BETWEEN 3-6 THOUSAND DOLLARS, NOT TO MENTION WEB HOSTING FEE'S, WHAT I'LL HAVE TO PAY TO GET IT BUILT, AND MONEY FOR SET'S AND OUTFIT'S ETC. I'M GOING TO BE DUMPING ABOUT 10-12K INTO THIS SITE BEFORE IT OPENS UP.
I WANT TO HAVE THREE SECTIONS, MY PICS AND VIDEO'S, WHERE I'M THE STAR OF THE SCENE. THEN THE SECOND SECTION IS PORN I'VE DIRECTED, SO I'LL BE HAND PICKING TALENT, AND DIRECTING THE SCENES, THEN THE THIRD SECTION IS SUPER SECRET VIP, YOU CAN ONLY ACCESS IT IF YOU ADD AN ADDITIONAL MONTHLY CHARGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT, AND NONE OF IT IS AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD. YOU CAN ONLY WATCH IT ON THE SITE, IT'S GOING TO BE HARDCORE KINK, S&M ACTION. EVERYTHING FROM FORCED BI SESSIONS, TO ELECTRIC PLAY, WATER SPORTS, KNIFE PLAY, TEMPORARY PIERCING ETC ETC.
I'M DEBATING IF I SHOULD OPEN TWO SITES OR JUST HAVE THE S&M STUFF IN A HIDDEN PART OF THE MAIN SITE... NOT SURE YET. I NEED TO FIND A WEB DESIGNER WHO CAN SET UP A PAID SITE AND KNOWS ABOUT THE NEW LAWS FOR ADULT WEBSITES. PROBABLY NEED TO FIND A LAWYER AS WELL TO HELP ME GET THE BUSINESS END OF IT ALL SET UP AND LEGIT, I WANT AL MY T'S CROSSED AND ALL MY I'S DOTTED BEFORE I GO LIVE.
THIS IS VERY EXCITING BUT ALSO KIND OF INTIMIDATING, I HOPE THAT IT ALL GOES WELL. I THINK HAVING BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR SO LONG, I HAVE A GREAT INSIGHT INTO WHAT SELLS, BUT I'VE NEVER HAD TO WORK WITH OTHERS, AND THAT WILL BE MY BIGGEST CHALLENGE I THINK.
WISH ME LUCK, MAYBE ONE THE WEB SITES ARE UP AND MAKING MONEY AND I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT DOING MASSAGES OR BACHELOR PARTIES FOR INCOME I'LL BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE AND TELL YOU WHO I AM!!! THAT'S WHERE THE TELL ALL BOOK COMES INTO THE PICTURE. ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD AGENT
CIAO-
SO ANYWAY, JOEL IS QUITE HAPPY WITH HIS SESSION, AND TELLS ME TO WRITE A REVIEW AND HE WILL POST IT UNDER HIS NAME BECAUSE HE IS AN ESTABLISHED REVIEWER. I POLITELY DECLINED.
REVIEWS ARE THE BIGGEST CROC OF SHIT IN THE WORLD. MOST GUYS WHO REGULARLY REVIEW ARE LOOSER ASSHOLES. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK IN YOUR HEAD, WHAT KIND OF GUY PAYS FOR SEX?? WELL THE MENTAL IMAGE YOU GET RIGHT AFTER POSING THAT QUESTION IS THE KIND OF GUY THAT REVIEWS. THEY GO SEE SOME GIRL , BE IT ESCORT, MASSAGE, DANCER AND THEN THEY TRY TO DO ONE OF TWO THINGS, GET A DISCOUNT FOR WRITING A GLOWING REVIEW, OR GET EXTRAS, OR THEY USE THE THREAT OF A BAD REVIEW TO TRY TO GET THINGS THE GIRL DOESN'T OFFER.
THE SECOND REASON REVIEWS ARE A CROCK OF SHIT IS BECAUSE MOST GIRLS AND AGENCY'S HAVE "DUMMY BUDDIES". BASICALLY A GUY WHO IS REALLY INVOLVED IN THE REVIEW/HOBBYIST SCENE, THEY PRETEND TO LIKE HIM, AND EVEN TAKE HIM OUT WITH THEM SOMETIMES LET HIM FEEL LIKE HE'S PART OF THEIR CLOSE FRIENDS CIRCLE. IN RETURN HE WRITES REVIEWS FOR THEM, BACKS THEM UP IN DISPUTES ON THE BOARDS, BUYS THEM THINGS ETC ETC. THESE ARE THE GUYS THAT NOBODY LIKED IN SCHOOL, NOW THERE GROWN UP AND STUPID. I'VE SEEN DUMMY BUDDIES WHO WERE SO LOYAL TO A MADAM THEY WERE WILING TO KILL FOR HER, IN THAT CASE THEY WERE VERY DRUG ADDICTED THOUGH SO IT'S PROBABLY AN EXTREME CASE. SHE WAS SUPPLYING THEM WITH DRUGS AND FREE PUSSY, PLUS ADDING THEM TO HER ENTOURAGE AND THEY GOT SUCKED IN TO LIVING IN FANTASY LAND 24/7.
MADAM'S AND AGENCY'S ARE SCARY THINGS. THERE A UNIQUE BREED OF HUMAN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SPARK OF ANY REDEEMING QUALITY. THEY LITERALLY PREY ON THESE GIRLS THAT ARE ALREADY IN TROUBLE, GETTING THEM TO A POINT WHERE THEY ARE COMPLETELY DEPENDANT ON THEM, AND USE THEM UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO USE, THEN THEY CUT THEM LOOSE , WITH NO REGRET. I'LL GET MORE INTO THAT LATER, BUT FOR NOW TAKE MY WORD, IF YOU WANT TO WORK FOR SOMEONE, DON'T DO IT. IF YOU CAN'T GET YOUR OWN IN CALL, DO OUT CALL!!! NO COMPUTER? USE AN INTERNET CAFE, NO CAR? PAY A DRIVER, ONE YOU HIRE YOURSELF, IN THE END IT'S WORTH IT TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS. IF YOUR NOT STRONG IN THIS BUSINESS YOUR FOOD FOR THE STRONG, DON'T BE SOME BODY'S DINNER.
OK, ENOUGH ON THAT. TODAY I LOOKED AT PRICES FOR THE CAMERAS I'LL BE NEEDING FOR MY PORN SITE, BETWEEN 3-6 THOUSAND DOLLARS, NOT TO MENTION WEB HOSTING FEE'S, WHAT I'LL HAVE TO PAY TO GET IT BUILT, AND MONEY FOR SET'S AND OUTFIT'S ETC. I'M GOING TO BE DUMPING ABOUT 10-12K INTO THIS SITE BEFORE IT OPENS UP.
I WANT TO HAVE THREE SECTIONS, MY PICS AND VIDEO'S, WHERE I'M THE STAR OF THE SCENE. THEN THE SECOND SECTION IS PORN I'VE DIRECTED, SO I'LL BE HAND PICKING TALENT, AND DIRECTING THE SCENES, THEN THE THIRD SECTION IS SUPER SECRET VIP, YOU CAN ONLY ACCESS IT IF YOU ADD AN ADDITIONAL MONTHLY CHARGE TO YOUR ACCOUNT, AND NONE OF IT IS AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD. YOU CAN ONLY WATCH IT ON THE SITE, IT'S GOING TO BE HARDCORE KINK, S&M ACTION. EVERYTHING FROM FORCED BI SESSIONS, TO ELECTRIC PLAY, WATER SPORTS, KNIFE PLAY, TEMPORARY PIERCING ETC ETC.
I'M DEBATING IF I SHOULD OPEN TWO SITES OR JUST HAVE THE S&M STUFF IN A HIDDEN PART OF THE MAIN SITE... NOT SURE YET. I NEED TO FIND A WEB DESIGNER WHO CAN SET UP A PAID SITE AND KNOWS ABOUT THE NEW LAWS FOR ADULT WEBSITES. PROBABLY NEED TO FIND A LAWYER AS WELL TO HELP ME GET THE BUSINESS END OF IT ALL SET UP AND LEGIT, I WANT AL MY T'S CROSSED AND ALL MY I'S DOTTED BEFORE I GO LIVE.
THIS IS VERY EXCITING BUT ALSO KIND OF INTIMIDATING, I HOPE THAT IT ALL GOES WELL. I THINK HAVING BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR SO LONG, I HAVE A GREAT INSIGHT INTO WHAT SELLS, BUT I'VE NEVER HAD TO WORK WITH OTHERS, AND THAT WILL BE MY BIGGEST CHALLENGE I THINK.
WISH ME LUCK, MAYBE ONE THE WEB SITES ARE UP AND MAKING MONEY AND I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT DOING MASSAGES OR BACHELOR PARTIES FOR INCOME I'LL BE ABLE TO SHOW MY FACE AND TELL YOU WHO I AM!!! THAT'S WHERE THE TELL ALL BOOK COMES INTO THE PICTURE. ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD AGENT
CIAO-
Friday, June 8, 2007
Darfur or Ibiza? That is my question.....
I often find myself worrying about what I feel are my two main waring interest's. Partying , and world poverty. When I was young , (think 15-18) I marched in demonstrations and organised protests at city hall. I had never been to a club, I prayed 5 times a day, was extremely jealous and narrow minded. But I was really pure, the concept of , cheating or stealing was totally foreign to me.
I couldn't comprehend anybody doing it to me, because it never entered my mind as a possibility. Therefore I thought the best of everybody . I learned the hard way, about fake friends. It was a lesson that literally almost killed me. I wish I could have learned it differently
, but with my heard headed ways I know only by going through all that could I really have the lesson sink in. Lord knows I needed it.
So while learning that most people will stab you in the back if it's even the slightest bit bennificial to them , I got really into partying. I fell in love with music. House music to be exact, dirty funky electro house music. I fell in love with clubs, esp. after hours clubs. Fell in love with dark rooms, loud music that drowns out my thoughts and moves my body on its own. Fell in love with the vibe, the scene, sometimes all I want to do is party. I love going out on Friday and coming home on Sunday. Meeting random ass people, ending up in crazy places and having totally true story's to tell that nobody would ever believe.
The deeper into partying, and yes drugs, I got the more I forgot about everything I was, and am. I stop'd giving a fuck if kids are dying in Africa, or girls are getting "circumcised" in the middle east. Suddenly the brothel born kids in Calcutta didn't matter as much as who I was getting my drugs from and who was spinning and where. Now it's been over a year sense I quit doing drugs, but I still love house music and after hours. It's in me, and it's not going anywhere. I quit doing drugs, and associating with the soul suckers I was hanging out with, but I haven't done a single thing for humanity. It's like I'm stuck in my brain. I keep thinking, pick one, pick one. Either be a porn star and build your empire, or go live in a shack and help people. I know kind of dramatic, but I've always had this problem of doing everything 200%. If I don't want to do something it simply isn't going to happen, and if I decide to do something I do it all the way.
I keep thinking, can't I do both? Can't I send money to charity's and be young and party? Then I think, partying is shallow, I meet a lot of people who seem cool and nice, but there not my friends. At the end of the weekend I'll go home and not talk to them again until it's time to go out. If I'm in trouble those people won't care. They like me because I'm young, hot, fun, exciting, 'i get into VIP, I can find drugs easy, but they don't know me. I know I want to do more than just send money to some charity. I want to really get my hands dirty, get involved. I want to help people who can't help themselves, I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be strong enough to walk away from all this life offers, and go do something that means something. I want to close my eyes at night and say, I matter. Not because I look good in pictures, or dress well, but because peoples life's are better because of me. I'm tired of fake friends, tired of selfishness. I want to meet people that are selfless, people that Will give you the last food they have in the name of hospitality, even though they have nothing, and you have everything. People that care about family, and know what honor and loyalty mean.
But then I think about my new views on sex, and religion. Views I didn't ask for, they just kind of snuck up on me. I think how these same people feel about these topics, how they might not even want my help if they knew I was opening my own porn site. How if they knew I danced naked and loved doing it, I would be looked at as a sinner, a slut. Why is it that appearances matter so much? The guys that go to church and pretend their perfect get looked at and treated as angels. But there not, in secret they have demons and ugly lies hiding in their closets. their souls are black, and they don't give a fuck about anything except themselves. But publicly they support church, and look down on Gay's and believe pornography is a scourge. So hey they must be good guys right? Trust me, 98% of guys watch porn, and 98% or guys would cheat if I wanted them to. American men have no willpower. Mostly their spineless pathetic creatures who I despise. There's an exception to every rule though. I don't hate all men. Just most of them. I hate them because they just don't care. They could change the world if they wanted to, but they don't care. They act holier than thou but they come see me, at the strip club, in the dungeon, or for a massage. I could respect them if they were honest. If they came to see me, and didn't hide it. Like me. I get thought less of every day because I don't hide what I do. People judge me, think I'm a whore. Think I have no brain, think I'm a bottom feeding useless life. I pretend not to care, I have thick skin, but deep inside it hurts to be thought of like that. Hurts that society hasn't evolved enough to realise that sex is a physical thing, and has nothing to do with love, or being a good person. I'd much rather meet a person that is sexually liberated and fucks who they want when they want, and cares about global warming, and actually wants to help humanity, than a person who only fucks their husband or wife, and lives a tiny life doing nothing for the greater good except judging others without knowing them. I hate people who judge, even though I do it myself. I judge because I see what you don't. I'm the one that hears all the sick confessions people need to get off their chests. I see the doctors and lawyers and cops and congress men and preachers and everybody else you trust and respect for what they are because they show me the ugly stuff. They get it off their chests and onto mine, and for that my friends I get the big bucks.
I'm surrounded by people day in and day out that live double lives. It would be nice if I also met people who didn't , you know? 98% of people seek out some type of sexual deviation in secret. Why can't we all say, hey were all doing it, so lets stop hiding it, and stop judging the people who don't hide it. Everybody watches porn, so why does everybody look down on porn stars? Sadly because most people in this industry are just like the stereo types, thieves, and general pieces of shit. There's a reason for that though!! Being in our industry is so taboo, that the good people who might be tomorrows porn stars and great people are scared away by what our society tells them. So then who do we get? Not people who are doing this stuff because they want to, we get people who have Bean pushed/forced/coerced into it. Then you get the sleazy guys who organise it all , cause hey the country club doesn't want to hear you made your fortune owning strip clubs, right? Lets leave it to the sleaze balls of the world. So its a vicious continuous cycle.
It's much easier to get a meth addict to do what you want because she needs the money, than to have a smart sober person telling you how it is, and having rules and boundaries. And then the girls that start off normal, get into shit there not ready for, because everybody want to use them, and pretend there "helping" them.
I get so frustrated I think I'm going to give up on it all, and then I think of Angelina. She was a "bad girl" crazy, dated a chick, sexually open, and didn't give a fuck what people thought. And now she's like one of the only people in Hollywood who really cares about the state of the world. Do you think she gets respect for that? Nope, she gets called a home wrecker, and has article's printed on how shes a bad mother, but everybody loves these fucking bitches that only give a fuck about their nails and powdering their noses. Angelina doesn't hide, she's real, and she seems to be a good person(from what I see) and shes making a difference. But making a difference has tamed her, she's settled down now.
I'm afraid of that. Afraid if I start trying to help the world, it'll tame me. I'll start seeing everything as inconsequential and shallow that I like now. Suddenly my whole life will be about saving other lives, and in the end, I'll always still be judged for having been who and what I am. I refuse to live my life caring about appearances, even though I know that means I'll always be misunderstood. When your young everything is black and white right and wrong. Then one day you wake up surrounded by grey areas and you think how did I get here? When did it all get so confusing?? Am I right in what I think? What I do? Who can I trust?Who can I ask? What if I try my best at life, and fail?
As you can see, I don't have it all figured out yet. I'm still learning, growing, and confused on allot of stuff. I only hope to be honest here, and maybe something I say will be the little piece you were looking for to figure something out in your head, that's all I can hope for.
till next time--
I couldn't comprehend anybody doing it to me, because it never entered my mind as a possibility. Therefore I thought the best of everybody . I learned the hard way, about fake friends. It was a lesson that literally almost killed me. I wish I could have learned it differently
, but with my heard headed ways I know only by going through all that could I really have the lesson sink in. Lord knows I needed it.So while learning that most people will stab you in the back if it's even the slightest bit bennificial to them , I got really into partying. I fell in love with music. House music to be exact, dirty funky electro house music. I fell in love with clubs, esp. after hours clubs. Fell in love with dark rooms, loud music that drowns out my thoughts and moves my body on its own. Fell in love with the vibe, the scene, sometimes all I want to do is party. I love going out on Friday and coming home on Sunday. Meeting random ass people, ending up in crazy places and having totally true story's to tell that nobody would ever believe.
The deeper into partying, and yes drugs, I got the more I forgot about everything I was, and am. I stop'd giving a fuck if kids are dying in Africa, or girls are getting "circumcised" in the middle east. Suddenly the brothel born kids in Calcutta didn't matter as much as who I was getting my drugs from and who was spinning and where. Now it's been over a year sense I quit doing drugs, but I still love house music and after hours. It's in me, and it's not going anywhere. I quit doing drugs, and associating with the soul suckers I was hanging out with, but I haven't done a single thing for humanity. It's like I'm stuck in my brain. I keep thinking, pick one, pick one. Either be a porn star and build your empire, or go live in a shack and help people. I know kind of dramatic, but I've always had this problem of doing everything 200%. If I don't want to do something it simply isn't going to happen, and if I decide to do something I do it all the way.
I keep thinking, can't I do both? Can't I send money to charity's and be young and party? Then I think, partying is shallow, I meet a lot of people who seem cool and nice, but there not my friends. At the end of the weekend I'll go home and not talk to them again until it's time to go out. If I'm in trouble those people won't care. They like me because I'm young, hot, fun, exciting, 'i get into VIP, I can find drugs easy, but they don't know me. I know I want to do more than just send money to some charity. I want to really get my hands dirty, get involved. I want to help people who can't help themselves, I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be strong enough to walk away from all this life offers, and go do something that means something. I want to close my eyes at night and say, I matter. Not because I look good in pictures, or dress well, but because peoples life's are better because of me. I'm tired of fake friends, tired of selfishness. I want to meet people that are selfless, people that Will give you the last food they have in the name of hospitality, even though they have nothing, and you have everything. People that care about family, and know what honor and loyalty mean.
But then I think about my new views on sex, and religion. Views I didn't ask for, they just kind of snuck up on me. I think how these same people feel about these topics, how they might not even want my help if they knew I was opening my own porn site. How if they knew I danced naked and loved doing it, I would be looked at as a sinner, a slut. Why is it that appearances matter so much? The guys that go to church and pretend their perfect get looked at and treated as angels. But there not, in secret they have demons and ugly lies hiding in their closets. their souls are black, and they don't give a fuck about anything except themselves. But publicly they support church, and look down on Gay's and believe pornography is a scourge. So hey they must be good guys right? Trust me, 98% of guys watch porn, and 98% or guys would cheat if I wanted them to. American men have no willpower. Mostly their spineless pathetic creatures who I despise. There's an exception to every rule though. I don't hate all men. Just most of them. I hate them because they just don't care. They could change the world if they wanted to, but they don't care. They act holier than thou but they come see me, at the strip club, in the dungeon, or for a massage. I could respect them if they were honest. If they came to see me, and didn't hide it. Like me. I get thought less of every day because I don't hide what I do. People judge me, think I'm a whore. Think I have no brain, think I'm a bottom feeding useless life. I pretend not to care, I have thick skin, but deep inside it hurts to be thought of like that. Hurts that society hasn't evolved enough to realise that sex is a physical thing, and has nothing to do with love, or being a good person. I'd much rather meet a person that is sexually liberated and fucks who they want when they want, and cares about global warming, and actually wants to help humanity, than a person who only fucks their husband or wife, and lives a tiny life doing nothing for the greater good except judging others without knowing them. I hate people who judge, even though I do it myself. I judge because I see what you don't. I'm the one that hears all the sick confessions people need to get off their chests. I see the doctors and lawyers and cops and congress men and preachers and everybody else you trust and respect for what they are because they show me the ugly stuff. They get it off their chests and onto mine, and for that my friends I get the big bucks.
I'm surrounded by people day in and day out that live double lives. It would be nice if I also met people who didn't , you know? 98% of people seek out some type of sexual deviation in secret. Why can't we all say, hey were all doing it, so lets stop hiding it, and stop judging the people who don't hide it. Everybody watches porn, so why does everybody look down on porn stars? Sadly because most people in this industry are just like the stereo types, thieves, and general pieces of shit. There's a reason for that though!! Being in our industry is so taboo, that the good people who might be tomorrows porn stars and great people are scared away by what our society tells them. So then who do we get? Not people who are doing this stuff because they want to, we get people who have Bean pushed/forced/coerced into it. Then you get the sleazy guys who organise it all , cause hey the country club doesn't want to hear you made your fortune owning strip clubs, right? Lets leave it to the sleaze balls of the world. So its a vicious continuous cycle.
It's much easier to get a meth addict to do what you want because she needs the money, than to have a smart sober person telling you how it is, and having rules and boundaries. And then the girls that start off normal, get into shit there not ready for, because everybody want to use them, and pretend there "helping" them.
I get so frustrated I think I'm going to give up on it all, and then I think of Angelina. She was a "bad girl" crazy, dated a chick, sexually open, and didn't give a fuck what people thought. And now she's like one of the only people in Hollywood who really cares about the state of the world. Do you think she gets respect for that? Nope, she gets called a home wrecker, and has article's printed on how shes a bad mother, but everybody loves these fucking bitches that only give a fuck about their nails and powdering their noses. Angelina doesn't hide, she's real, and she seems to be a good person(from what I see) and shes making a difference. But making a difference has tamed her, she's settled down now.
I'm afraid of that. Afraid if I start trying to help the world, it'll tame me. I'll start seeing everything as inconsequential and shallow that I like now. Suddenly my whole life will be about saving other lives, and in the end, I'll always still be judged for having been who and what I am. I refuse to live my life caring about appearances, even though I know that means I'll always be misunderstood. When your young everything is black and white right and wrong. Then one day you wake up surrounded by grey areas and you think how did I get here? When did it all get so confusing?? Am I right in what I think? What I do? Who can I trust?Who can I ask? What if I try my best at life, and fail?
As you can see, I don't have it all figured out yet. I'm still learning, growing, and confused on allot of stuff. I only hope to be honest here, and maybe something I say will be the little piece you were looking for to figure something out in your head, that's all I can hope for.
till next time--
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Corruption never dies
Hey cyber dudes n dudet's let me introduce myself, my name is..... oh wait I can't tell you. Sorry bout the cloak n dagger stuff but to tell the whole truth n nothing but the truth I need to protect my identity. I've been working in the adult industry for the past 4 years. I started as a stripper, now I do erotic massages (think topless with a hand job at the end) , private stripteases, and I'm working on opening my own paid porn site. When I first started dancing I was working in corporate America with a 12,ooo$ a month job that I worked my ass off for. Nobody knew about my secret nighttime job. In the 4 years that have passed I have evolved so much, grown up and now I don't feel the need to hide what I do. However, even though everybody knows what profession I'm in, sometimes I still feel the need to rant, and ramble. So I decided to start this blog. Get it all off my chest. I've always grown most as a person by writing, that's when I really hear the thoughts that are in my head, when I read what I've written.
As my number of post grows you'll get all the dirt, 100 percent uncensored!! From what really happens in the strip clubs, to the whole story of how i got some very bad people on my bad side, even funny story's about clients. Everything I've seen an done in the past four years. (even the stuff I'm really ashamed of) So what started this need to unload? I guess it was the proverbial straw that broke this camels back.
Read on.....
(earlier today)
So I'm staying at a certain very nice hotel in a certain city, and a client has just left. That means that A. there's no blanket on the bed B. I'm in lingerie . Suddenly I hear a knock on the door. I look through the peep hole and the little worm manager is outside, great!! So I yell "hold on" and quickly take off my nightie and grab a towel, I open the door and ask what he wants and he says can he check something in my room. Fuck. So I'm thinking to myself , OK He's seen the clients coming in I'm about to get kicked out, perfect. So I tell the guy it's a bad time but he insists, so I tell him let me get dressed and hold on.
I let him in and he looks around and looks at me and asks if I like the room, to which I answer, "it's fine" quickly followed by "are you done?" So he gives me one of those looks and says "would you like me to move you to a room on the second floor? Would that make things a little easier for you? At this point in my head I'm like what the fuck is going on here?? But I try to keep my cool and so I just say "why would that make anything easier for me!?" He keeps it up with the pointed insinuations and is really insisting that I go with him to take a look at a bigger room, so I'm like yeah OK sure lets go look.
We get to the bigger room and he sits down and asks me "so what are you doing here?" Now at this point I'm like well win all or get fucked, so I look him straight in the eye and I said "I do erotic massages" he just smiled with his little smug pig face, and he starts telling me how cops come here with pictures and ask the managers if the girls in the pictures are at their hotel's and that a few months ago 3 girls got arrested in another hotel he manages (ooh did I forget he's the REGIONAL manager) of course . So I get pissed and inform him that I'm not an escort, I offer massage only and that I can't get arrested for that and if he has a problem just say it, don't sugar coat it. Now this seems to upset him, and his little pig nose starts flaring with indignation, while he's protesting that he's cool and doesn't want to get me in trouble he's only trying to "help" and give me a free upgrade. Suddenly it hits me (think energy saving light bulb going off over my head) this fucker wants free services. So I swallow my pride , and ask him if he'd like a massage? He practically jumps up and with a stupid shit eating grin on his face goes" ah shucks could you?" yes he actually used the phrase ah schucks.
Now here's where we take a little break from my story to talk about how all this made me feel. Don't I just sound like a shrink now , wow. The reason I like what I do, besides flexible hours and gobs of money is because I'm in control of what I do. Everybody thinks sex industry= men taking advantage of woman. Au contrair my friends, at least in my case that is. It's I who control everything I do, and I'm very good at it!! Now don't get me wrong there's allot of "victims" in this industry and I hate that but it's a truth. However, I happen to be a rarity, a industry worker with brains, and morals. So anyway even though it costs me business I do not kiss my clients asses. I don't blow sunshine up their tight little ass holes , or pretend to like them if they're idiots. Nope. I play them, each and every one. I am nice, but with a strong hint of bad girl, I use my eyes, my giggle, my body and I keep them in line giving as little as possible, and taking as much as possible. I NEVER give extras I sometimes stay in full costume not even getting topless and somehow they leave thinking that they just had a great session. Why? Because I'm hot, and real, and probably smarter than 75% of my clients. I don't mean book smarter, I mean life smarter. I read my clients, and play them accordingly. Like this...
"Bob" walks in the door in preppy golf clothes with wingtips and a Rolex, going bald, pot belly, southern accent. I tell him to undress and ask him how his day was? He tells me hard, he had to fire somebody at work (his way of telling me he has power at work) and his wife's sister is visiting (be discreet no marks he's married) I ask about the sister, ignoring the work part. Getting him talking about his family keeps his mind away from anything sexy , makes him and I buddies and later it'll be harder for him to objectify me. I tell Bob he is very tight and something must be bothering him (SOMETHING is almost always bothering everybody) so I look him in the eye, and tell him he doesn't know me, he can unload and feel better and I'm a stranger so his secrets are safe with me!! Now bob starts talking, and I use every word to my advantage, but I don't feel guilty because Bob leaves feeling great and happy. Seriously refreshed, and without any groping of me or "extras" . It's like I'm retraining these guys from all the dumb girls out there who think they have to do nasty shit to get repeat clients. If more girls realised they set the rules not the other way around it would be easier for all of us. So, because I'm used to being in control of my sessions, and telling anybody I dislike or who is rude to piss off and die, being in a situation where I had to kiss up really threw me off. Got me thinking about all sorts of stuff from the past. I have so much to say, I wish I could get it all out here in moment's but I know it'll take months to tell you everything. I guess that's good though, because I'm forcing myself to remember all this shit and that's the only way I'll really learn and grow from these experiences. After all whats the point of having experiences if I don't grow from them? right?
So to make a long story short, the pig man manager got his free massage and I tried my best to get it through his head that I'm a dancer and a masseuse not an escort. But I could see in his beady little eyes what he thought of me, bastard. So I memorised his body, Two beauty marks on his left ass cheek, scar/mark on his lower back in a blob shape, 4inch dick, nasty bush of light colored hair. (guy's if your debating to trim or not to trim....TRIM) and in my head I'm thinking how nice it would be to scratch his back and leave nice pink marks for his little wifey, but I played nice. Then after his hand job he's getting dressed , talking to me like I'm his new best friend. Why do guys think if you jerk their worms you like them? Hello asshole your fucking blackmailing me , piece of shit, just cause I'm smiling and you came doesn't mean I like you!!!!! So he's telling me how I can call him whenever I'm in town, and he'll give me a great discount, and of course look the other way to the steady stream of in and out massage clients. So I smiled, walked him to the door, and then screamed in a pillow for what seemed like hours. I don't want to believe theres no guy out there that I can't trust, but every day I meet more men, of every profession, religion, persuasion. Every day I get a Little more disappointed in the human species. At the core of everything is sex money and power, and every human is corrupt, you just have to lok deep enough and find out how.
Cop's who used to keep me informed , rabbi's that came for massages so they could clear their minds to wright a sermon (hypocritical...ya think?) and everything in between. Or how about the psychiatrist who had me in his office fucking him in his ass with a strap on while he was bent over his patient couch, asking me if he had a nice pussy and if he was normal for having these desires? And did I think he was gay? Fuck, I'm not a doctor, but your in thigh highs with a plastic dick up your ass telling me you like it in your "pussy" that doesn't sound gay that sounds gender confused.
I guess for a first blog I didn't really make a point here, except that this will be interesting huh? It'll probably take a bit more venting my anger before my posts are lucid and poinient. But don't worry we'll get there, and it'll be beautiful.
As my number of post grows you'll get all the dirt, 100 percent uncensored!! From what really happens in the strip clubs, to the whole story of how i got some very bad people on my bad side, even funny story's about clients. Everything I've seen an done in the past four years. (even the stuff I'm really ashamed of) So what started this need to unload? I guess it was the proverbial straw that broke this camels back.
Read on.....
(earlier today)
So I'm staying at a certain very nice hotel in a certain city, and a client has just left. That means that A. there's no blanket on the bed B. I'm in lingerie . Suddenly I hear a knock on the door. I look through the peep hole and the little worm manager is outside, great!! So I yell "hold on" and quickly take off my nightie and grab a towel, I open the door and ask what he wants and he says can he check something in my room. Fuck. So I'm thinking to myself , OK He's seen the clients coming in I'm about to get kicked out, perfect. So I tell the guy it's a bad time but he insists, so I tell him let me get dressed and hold on.
I let him in and he looks around and looks at me and asks if I like the room, to which I answer, "it's fine" quickly followed by "are you done?" So he gives me one of those looks and says "would you like me to move you to a room on the second floor? Would that make things a little easier for you? At this point in my head I'm like what the fuck is going on here?? But I try to keep my cool and so I just say "why would that make anything easier for me!?" He keeps it up with the pointed insinuations and is really insisting that I go with him to take a look at a bigger room, so I'm like yeah OK sure lets go look.
We get to the bigger room and he sits down and asks me "so what are you doing here?" Now at this point I'm like well win all or get fucked, so I look him straight in the eye and I said "I do erotic massages" he just smiled with his little smug pig face, and he starts telling me how cops come here with pictures and ask the managers if the girls in the pictures are at their hotel's and that a few months ago 3 girls got arrested in another hotel he manages (ooh did I forget he's the REGIONAL manager) of course . So I get pissed and inform him that I'm not an escort, I offer massage only and that I can't get arrested for that and if he has a problem just say it, don't sugar coat it. Now this seems to upset him, and his little pig nose starts flaring with indignation, while he's protesting that he's cool and doesn't want to get me in trouble he's only trying to "help" and give me a free upgrade. Suddenly it hits me (think energy saving light bulb going off over my head) this fucker wants free services. So I swallow my pride , and ask him if he'd like a massage? He practically jumps up and with a stupid shit eating grin on his face goes" ah shucks could you?" yes he actually used the phrase ah schucks.
Now here's where we take a little break from my story to talk about how all this made me feel. Don't I just sound like a shrink now , wow. The reason I like what I do, besides flexible hours and gobs of money is because I'm in control of what I do. Everybody thinks sex industry= men taking advantage of woman. Au contrair my friends, at least in my case that is. It's I who control everything I do, and I'm very good at it!! Now don't get me wrong there's allot of "victims" in this industry and I hate that but it's a truth. However, I happen to be a rarity, a industry worker with brains, and morals. So anyway even though it costs me business I do not kiss my clients asses. I don't blow sunshine up their tight little ass holes , or pretend to like them if they're idiots. Nope. I play them, each and every one. I am nice, but with a strong hint of bad girl, I use my eyes, my giggle, my body and I keep them in line giving as little as possible, and taking as much as possible. I NEVER give extras I sometimes stay in full costume not even getting topless and somehow they leave thinking that they just had a great session. Why? Because I'm hot, and real, and probably smarter than 75% of my clients. I don't mean book smarter, I mean life smarter. I read my clients, and play them accordingly. Like this...
"Bob" walks in the door in preppy golf clothes with wingtips and a Rolex, going bald, pot belly, southern accent. I tell him to undress and ask him how his day was? He tells me hard, he had to fire somebody at work (his way of telling me he has power at work) and his wife's sister is visiting (be discreet no marks he's married) I ask about the sister, ignoring the work part. Getting him talking about his family keeps his mind away from anything sexy , makes him and I buddies and later it'll be harder for him to objectify me. I tell Bob he is very tight and something must be bothering him (SOMETHING is almost always bothering everybody) so I look him in the eye, and tell him he doesn't know me, he can unload and feel better and I'm a stranger so his secrets are safe with me!! Now bob starts talking, and I use every word to my advantage, but I don't feel guilty because Bob leaves feeling great and happy. Seriously refreshed, and without any groping of me or "extras" . It's like I'm retraining these guys from all the dumb girls out there who think they have to do nasty shit to get repeat clients. If more girls realised they set the rules not the other way around it would be easier for all of us. So, because I'm used to being in control of my sessions, and telling anybody I dislike or who is rude to piss off and die, being in a situation where I had to kiss up really threw me off. Got me thinking about all sorts of stuff from the past. I have so much to say, I wish I could get it all out here in moment's but I know it'll take months to tell you everything. I guess that's good though, because I'm forcing myself to remember all this shit and that's the only way I'll really learn and grow from these experiences. After all whats the point of having experiences if I don't grow from them? right?
So to make a long story short, the pig man manager got his free massage and I tried my best to get it through his head that I'm a dancer and a masseuse not an escort. But I could see in his beady little eyes what he thought of me, bastard. So I memorised his body, Two beauty marks on his left ass cheek, scar/mark on his lower back in a blob shape, 4inch dick, nasty bush of light colored hair. (guy's if your debating to trim or not to trim....TRIM) and in my head I'm thinking how nice it would be to scratch his back and leave nice pink marks for his little wifey, but I played nice. Then after his hand job he's getting dressed , talking to me like I'm his new best friend. Why do guys think if you jerk their worms you like them? Hello asshole your fucking blackmailing me , piece of shit, just cause I'm smiling and you came doesn't mean I like you!!!!! So he's telling me how I can call him whenever I'm in town, and he'll give me a great discount, and of course look the other way to the steady stream of in and out massage clients. So I smiled, walked him to the door, and then screamed in a pillow for what seemed like hours. I don't want to believe theres no guy out there that I can't trust, but every day I meet more men, of every profession, religion, persuasion. Every day I get a Little more disappointed in the human species. At the core of everything is sex money and power, and every human is corrupt, you just have to lok deep enough and find out how.
Cop's who used to keep me informed , rabbi's that came for massages so they could clear their minds to wright a sermon (hypocritical...ya think?) and everything in between. Or how about the psychiatrist who had me in his office fucking him in his ass with a strap on while he was bent over his patient couch, asking me if he had a nice pussy and if he was normal for having these desires? And did I think he was gay? Fuck, I'm not a doctor, but your in thigh highs with a plastic dick up your ass telling me you like it in your "pussy" that doesn't sound gay that sounds gender confused.
I guess for a first blog I didn't really make a point here, except that this will be interesting huh? It'll probably take a bit more venting my anger before my posts are lucid and poinient. But don't worry we'll get there, and it'll be beautiful.
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