Darfur or Ibiza? That is my question.....

I often find myself worrying about what I feel are my two main waring interest's. Partying , and world poverty. When I was young , (think 15-18) I marched in demonstrations and organised protests at city hall. I had never been to a club, I prayed 5 times a day, was extremely jealous and narrow minded. But I was really pure, the concept of , cheating or stealing was totally foreign to me.

I couldn't comprehend anybody doing it to me, because it never entered my mind as a possibility. Therefore I thought the best of everybody . I learned the hard way, about fake friends. It was a lesson that literally almost killed me. I wish I could have learned it differently , but with my heard headed ways I know only by going through all that could I really have the lesson sink in. Lord knows I needed it.

So while learning that most people will stab you in the back if it's even the slightest bit bennificial to them , I got really into partying. I fell in love with music. House music to be exact, dirty funky electro house music. I fell in love with clubs, esp. after hours clubs. Fell in love with dark rooms, loud music that drowns out my thoughts and moves my body on its own. Fell in love with the vibe, the scene, sometimes all I want to do is party. I love going out on Friday and coming home on Sunday. Meeting random ass people, ending up in crazy places and having totally true story's to tell that nobody would ever believe.

The deeper into partying, and yes drugs, I got the more I forgot about everything I was, and am. I stop'd giving a fuck if kids are dying in Africa, or girls are getting "circumcised" in the middle east. Suddenly the brothel born kids in Calcutta didn't matter as much as who I was getting my drugs from and who was spinning and where. Now it's been over a year sense I quit doing drugs, but I still love house music and after hours. It's in me, and it's not going anywhere. I quit doing drugs, and associating with the soul suckers I was hanging out with, but I haven't done a single thing for humanity. It's like I'm stuck in my brain. I keep thinking, pick one, pick one. Either be a porn star and build your empire, or go live in a shack and help people. I know kind of dramatic, but I've always had this problem of doing everything 200%. If I don't want to do something it simply isn't going to happen, and if I decide to do something I do it all the way.

I keep thinking, can't I do both? Can't I send money to charity's and be young and party? Then I think, partying is shallow, I meet a lot of people who seem cool and nice, but there not my friends. At the end of the weekend I'll go home and not talk to them again until it's time to go out. If I'm in trouble those people won't care. They like me because I'm young, hot, fun, exciting, 'i get into VIP, I can find drugs easy, but they don't know me. I know I want to do more than just send money to some charity. I want to really get my hands dirty, get involved. I want to help people who can't help themselves, I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be strong enough to walk away from all this life offers, and go do something that means something. I want to close my eyes at night and say, I matter. Not because I look good in pictures, or dress well, but because peoples life's are better because of me. I'm tired of fake friends, tired of selfishness. I want to meet people that are selfless, people that Will give you the last food they have in the name of hospitality, even though they have nothing, and you have everything. People that care about family, and know what honor and loyalty mean.

But then I think about my new views on sex, and religion. Views I didn't ask for, they just kind of snuck up on me. I think how these same people feel about these topics, how they might not even want my help if they knew I was opening my own porn site. How if they knew I danced naked and loved doing it, I would be looked at as a sinner, a slut. Why is it that appearances matter so much? The guys that go to church and pretend their perfect get looked at and treated as angels. But there not, in secret they have demons and ugly lies hiding in their closets. their souls are black, and they don't give a fuck about anything except themselves. But publicly they support church, and look down on Gay's and believe pornography is a scourge. So hey they must be good guys right? Trust me, 98% of guys watch porn, and 98% or guys would cheat if I wanted them to. American men have no willpower. Mostly their spineless pathetic creatures who I despise. There's an exception to every rule though. I don't hate all men. Just most of them. I hate them because they just don't care. They could change the world if they wanted to, but they don't care. They act holier than thou but they come see me, at the strip club, in the dungeon, or for a massage. I could respect them if they were honest. If they came to see me, and didn't hide it. Like me. I get thought less of every day because I don't hide what I do. People judge me, think I'm a whore. Think I have no brain, think I'm a bottom feeding useless life. I pretend not to care, I have thick skin, but deep inside it hurts to be thought of like that. Hurts that society hasn't evolved enough to realise that sex is a physical thing, and has nothing to do with love, or being a good person. I'd much rather meet a person that is sexually liberated and fucks who they want when they want, and cares about global warming, and actually wants to help humanity, than a person who only fucks their husband or wife, and lives a tiny life doing nothing for the greater good except judging others without knowing them. I hate people who judge, even though I do it myself. I judge because I see what you don't. I'm the one that hears all the sick confessions people need to get off their chests. I see the doctors and lawyers and cops and congress men and preachers and everybody else you trust and respect for what they are because they show me the ugly stuff. They get it off their chests and onto mine, and for that my friends I get the big bucks.

I'm surrounded by people day in and day out that live double lives. It would be nice if I also met people who didn't , you know? 98% of people seek out some type of sexual deviation in secret. Why can't we all say, hey were all doing it, so lets stop hiding it, and stop judging the people who don't hide it. Everybody watches porn, so why does everybody look down on porn stars? Sadly because most people in this industry are just like the stereo types, thieves, and general pieces of shit. There's a reason for that though!! Being in our industry is so taboo, that the good people who might be tomorrows porn stars and great people are scared away by what our society tells them. So then who do we get? Not people who are doing this stuff because they want to, we get people who have Bean pushed/forced/coerced into it. Then you get the sleazy guys who organise it all , cause hey the country club doesn't want to hear you made your fortune owning strip clubs, right? Lets leave it to the sleaze balls of the world. So its a vicious continuous cycle.
It's much easier to get a meth addict to do what you want because she needs the money, than to have a smart sober person telling you how it is, and having rules and boundaries. And then the girls that start off normal, get into shit there not ready for, because everybody want to use them, and pretend there "helping" them.

I get so frustrated I think I'm going to give up on it all, and then I think of Angelina. She was a "bad girl" crazy, dated a chick, sexually open, and didn't give a fuck what people thought. And now she's like one of the only people in Hollywood who really cares about the state of the world. Do you think she gets respect for that? Nope, she gets called a home wrecker, and has article's printed on how shes a bad mother, but everybody loves these fucking bitches that only give a fuck about their nails and powdering their noses. Angelina doesn't hide, she's real, and she seems to be a good person(from what I see) and shes making a difference. But making a difference has tamed her, she's settled down now.

I'm afraid of that. Afraid if I start trying to help the world, it'll tame me. I'll start seeing everything as inconsequential and shallow that I like now. Suddenly my whole life will be about saving other lives, and in the end, I'll always still be judged for having been who and what I am. I refuse to live my life caring about appearances, even though I know that means I'll always be misunderstood. When your young everything is black and white right and wrong. Then one day you wake up surrounded by grey areas and you think how did I get here? When did it all get so confusing?? Am I right in what I think? What I do? Who can I trust?Who can I ask? What if I try my best at life, and fail?

As you can see, I don't have it all figured out yet. I'm still learning, growing, and confused on allot of stuff. I only hope to be honest here, and maybe something I say will be the little piece you were looking for to figure something out in your head, that's all I can hope for.
till next time--